It's kind of a small horse, I mean what am I missing? Am I crazy? - Ben Wyatt I know it's not ideal, but it's who you are! It's ok though-just "go home, put on a Macy Gray album, and cry in the mirror." You are almost never picked to win the division, and this creates a constant bubbling of resentment just below the surface. IOWA! Like Craig, you are wound TIGHT, and you are certainly flamboyant about it! In spite of being incredibly high-strung, you're generally competent, and while this is usually enough for you, sometimes you grow weary of being ignored, and create quite a stink about it. These dogs are so cute I want to throw up and kill myself. (/Wisconsin scored again.) In spite of this, your high octane lifestyle does take its toll, and by the end of the season, you've usually collapsed in dramatic fashion with the camera still on you. You're one that has extreme appetites, from booze, to cheese, to, well, other things (seriously, we don't care where you're powdering, but we don't want to hear about it.) Nevertheless, you do have a penchant for pulling a" GOTCHA" on the other teams in the conference. No one thinks you really handle it as well as you believe you do, but darn it all if you don't try. You knew you'd be the chronically drunk one, didn't you? You're always going on and on about it-the beer you drank, the house parties that were CRAZY, the beer you drank, State Street, and the beer you drank. Went on a booze cruise last week, just got back an hour ago.-Joan You refuse to win prominent bowl games in situations that could make the Big Ten look better nationally, because just as "Dennis Feinstein helps no man!" no matter how worthy the cause, neither does Ohio State. Unbearable smugness is a defining characteristic for you, and the rest of us have a sneaking suspicion that you may be hunting us for sport. You brand yourself THE Ohio State University, because you think it sounds more exotic. You bought Urban Meyer a Rolexus, just because you could. You are the Big Ten's most recognizable brand. And loathe though we are to admit it, the rest of the conference is a bit scared of you right now because of your all-galaxy ability to, uh, pound the opposing team into submission. We're not sure if it was your prolonged mall slut phase that made you who you are, or simply an unfortunate psychotic pre-disposition, but you've beaten up tiny little men for fun. I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library-book-peddling, sex-crazed She Demon. Why minor characters? Well, because which team is cool enough to be Ron F*cking Swanson? None of them, that's who. Since we've all suffered so much this off-season, I'm going to use the best comedy on TV right now-Parks and Recreation- for this little Big Ten rundown, because laughter, they say, is the best medicine. After months of hate and nearly non-stop nonsense around here, I think it's time for a palette cleanser, and to me, that means mixing football with some pop culture.
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